Jealousy- A Johnlock RP
by PlagueRatEchelonKilljoy
Summary: A woman is flirting with John after a case. This leads to some rather upsetting revelations from Sherlock, can they move passed this? This is an established relationship fic. I feel it is rather angsty.


Disclaimer: I do not own the characters and I share ownership of the plot with Mystic-Realm.

A/N: So this was originally a role play by me and Mystic-Realm. I have done all the bits of Sherlock and she did all of John's bits. I would love some feedback on this, positive or negative, I'm always open to constructive criticisms. I should warn you that I almost cried, but then again I cry at pretty much everything so I'm not sure if that's a good indication of how good this is.

**Jealousy**

Sherlock is standing on the road side, talking to Lestrade. He's just solved a case and is ignoring the D.I. He's probably talking about paperwork or some other such boring nonsense. Sherlock is looking across the street, towards John. He's talking to a young woman, no older than 22, she wants to be a vet but she's not going to make it… too sensitive. Sherlock notices many things about her but the most prominent is the fact that she's flirting with John. And John seems to be flirting back. Sherlock's stomach turns and he clenches his fists, he and John have been 'in a relationship' for six months. Things seem to have been going well, so why is John flirting with this woman? He lets out a huff and storms off, leaving Lestrade standing there with a gormless expression on his face.

He gets back to the flat and slams the door behind him; he paces in the living room for a while before going into his bedroom. He collapses on the bed, face first. If he has any luck at all John will have the sense to leave him alone when he finally comes home.

As John is talking to the young woman he tries to ignore the flirting, being polite but when he notices Sherlock storm off he can't help but stutter a quick apology and rush after him. He looks quickly in the living room and, surprised not to see him sulking on the sofa, he goes and knocks on his bedroom door lightly, not wishing to invade his privacy if something has upset the detective.

"Sherlock? Are you ok? You left that crime scene pretty quickly. Has something upset you?"

Sherlock groans, of course John would come and find him, it's what he does. He doesn't want to see John at the moment, it will only end in an argument and he simply cannot be bothered with it. There's also that tiny voice in the back of his head telling him that his jealousy is well founded, that John may in fact prefer this woman, or any other woman, to him and leave.

"I always leave crime scenes quickly once I have solved the case, really John I thought you would have noticed that before now." He drawls.

John opens the door a fraction and looks down at Sherlock, now he definitely knows something's wrong with him.

"Not that quick you don't. You're usually at least polite to Greg; you just stormed off ignoring him completely. What is wrong with you?" John steps further into the room just wanting to gather Sherlock into his arms despite the protest he would get.

Sherlock doesn't move from his position face down in the middle of the bed. He can't deal with this, he's never let anyone get as close as John has, and for good reason apparently. He screws his eyes closed but all he sees is John standing there with _that woman_ so he opens them again rather quickly.

"I am fine John; there is nothing wrong with me." He won't say anything, he _can't_ say anything, but if John doesn't leave soon he won't be able to help himself. And that won't do at all, _John just leave, please just leave__._

"Don't lie to me! Do not forget that I know you Sherlock" John frowns, he doesn't mean to raise his voice but he can't quite understand why Sherlock won't even look at him, and then suddenly it clicks. He had been talking to that young woman who had been overly friendly. Sighing John sits on the edge of Sherlock's bed and places his hand lightly on his lower back.

"Is this about that woman I was talking to?"

As much as Sherlock really doesn't want to have this conversation he's got to give John credit, he thought it would take him longer than that. "Your skills of deduction seem to be improving John." Yet still he doesn't look at him, and it's got nothing to do with the tears that he refuses to let fall, no of course it hasn't. He has spent his entire life training his body to do as he commands it, so it is no surprise that his voice remains steady when he talks. "I do not wish to discuss this John, so please leave."

He smirks a little as Sherlock compliments him but then just as quickly he could hit him, whatever it is that's bothering Sherlock they need to talk about it and by God he hates it when he's so stubborn.

"Sherlock whatever it is you obviously need to talk about it" John pauses then his hand resting on Sherlock's back rubbing small soothing circles. "We've been together six months we should be able to talk no matter what."

Sherlock sits up when John touches his back, he moves to the edge of the bed and sits there, facing away from him. He doesn't want John touching him, he can't believe he let him get this close, and now… well, now he's going to have to push him away again. Somehow he seems to just _know_ that John is going to get sick of him. Everyone does eventually, but of course he's never cared, people are boring, he's never wanted them to stick around, until now. Why? Why is he such an idiot? John told him time and time again that he wasn't gay, but he never listened, and now he is paying for it. Any thoughts that his jealousy is unfounded have long since left his mind, he is one hundred per cent certain of what his future holds and he has to protect himself from that. Already he is rebuilding his walls.

"Fine, you want to talk about it, so we'll talk." His cold tone has returned after six months of not being used on John. "She was flirting with you, which is fine, of course she was. But you flirted back John, and that's fine too, if you like her then fine."

John feels his blood run cold as that cold tone of Sherlock's returns and he suddenly becomes afraid, is Sherlock going to leave him? But now he's angry, how can Sherlock even think he would do that.

"Sherlock do you really think I would flirt with someone else? How could you think I could do that! I was just being polite I didn't respond at all! She just wanted some advice is all" John wants to put a hand on Sherlock again but seeing how he was turned away from him his hands drop into his lap and he looks at them pitifully.

"Whether or not she wanted advice is irrelevant John, she was clearly interested in you." Slowly Sherlock is managing to become his old self, and he hates it. He had never enjoyed being the cold stoic man that he'd been before John, but it had protected him, and he curses himself for ever letting his guard down. "As I've already stated, I do not wish to have this conversation. I long ago came to terms with how my life would be, I was foolish to try and convince myself it could be different." Not quite being fully his old self yet his voice cracks a little at his last sentence and he bites his lip.

"So? So what if she was interested, I certainly wasn't interested in her! We are having this conversation whether you want to or not we have to work this out." John doesn't care that he sounds needy, it feels like Sherlock is slipping through his fingers and he is determined not to lose the man that had certainly saved his life all those years ago.

Sherlock sighs; John has always been a rather passionate man so this isn't going to be easy. He straightens his back and gets to his feet. He takes a deep breath and turns to face John. He's managed to blink back most of the tears but his eyes still glisten. "This isn't something we can just talk about and make it go away John." Oh but how he wishes it could be. "So you weren't interested in her, that doesn't mean that one day there isn't going to be a woman that you are interested in. I tried to lie to myself John, I tried to tell myself that this could really work, but I realise that I was just fooling myself." He fights hard to keep it together, and so far it seems to be working.

John stares in disbelief not quite sure what to say. Sherlock is the only person he wants, the only one he wants for the rest of his life how could Sherlock EVER consider that he would leave him for someone else, let alone another woman? He may not be gay but he certainly isn't about to fall for anyone else.  
"There won't be anyone else! Why won't you believe me? Sherlock I chose YOU therefore I want you and ONLY you, that's how I want things to be why must you think I'm going to run off with someone else?" John stands sharply, just wanting to shake sense into the git. Instead he chooses to clench his fists at his sides.

He stands facing John, taking in every tiny body movement. It is clear that John is angry, but he isn't sure if he is angry at him or the whole situation. "You don't understand John, I can't do this. I can't _do_ relationships. I'm possessive and I'm controlling. If I so much as see another person, male or female, even _looking_ at you I get jealous. My mind just won't shut off. I can't _not_ think of these things. And eventually it's going to drive you away; you'll come to resent me." His voice trails off but he doesn't lower his gaze. He is Sherlock Holmes for God's sake, he isn't _scared._

John clenches his fists so hard his nails dig into his palms. God why does this man have to be so _infuriating_? "NO, no I understand perfectly! You're bloody scared so you're running away! Sherlock do you think if I cared that you were possessive that I would be here right now? I wouldn't put up with everything you do on a daily basis if I didn't love you! If you weren't the best thing to ever happen to me. I am not going to let you end this like this I won't" John's cheeks flush, although he has said he loves Sherlock before he has never voiced the thought that the detective is the best thing to ever happen to him.

Sherlock takes a step forward before stopping himself. He desperately wants to hold John in his arms again, but there are things that need to be said. Sherlock has heard John say he loves him many times, and every time it makes his heart leap. But he's never said it back. They've been together for half a year, and not once has Sherlock said those words to John. He doesn't do emotions, he just doesn't. And John has always known this, he never seems dismayed or even slightly put off that his sentiments are never returned, Sherlock wonders why. "You say you love me John, and I never say it back, and it doesn't seem to bother you. Why doesn't it bother you?" He gets the feeling that if John truly loves him it would hurt if he thinks Sherlock doesn't feel the same way.

John looks up, into Sherlock's eyes. It is true Sherlock never says it back and it bothers a small part of him, but that part is so small he ignores it. Deep down John knows that is how Sherlock is and he isn't going to force the man to do anything he isn't comfortable with. "Truthfully it does bother me a little but never enough that I worry about it" John steps forward and grasps one of Sherlock's hands bringing it to his cheek and nuzzling into it slightly. "You are you Sherlock. I would never expect you to do something that you didn't feel comfortable doing I know you do not like to show your emotions I knew that the second I met you. Just don't end us like this we are so good together."

Sherlock unconsciously strokes John's cheek with his thumb. "I hate that I'm like this John, I can't handle this." His voice is soft and low, he worries that if he speaks louder John will hear how much hurt he is holding back. "Caring is not an advantage John, it's how I've always seen things, and it's true." He sighs; he doesn't know how to go on. "I can't be in a relationship John; it's just too hard..." He stops and takes a few steadying breaths, he is fighting hard against the tears now and he pulls his hand away from John's face. "I... John I don't know what to do." He looks down at the floor, defeated.

Every single word is like ice into his heart and he feels his knees go weak with the shock of it but somehow, by some miracle he manages to stay standing. He will not look like a fool in front of Sherlock he just won't. "Let me love you I know you don't know what to do but we can work it all out together. Let me into your bloody heart, I am not leaving now and I never will I PROMISE you I won't. Relationships aren't meant to be easy that's what makes them worth it. We've managed the last six months we can manage the rest of our lives" John fights back his own tears; it feels like he is fighting for his very existence.

He looks into John's eyes, and seeing the tears almost breaks his heart. He can't do this, he just can't. How can he even think about hurting John like this, it is selfish... and it's self-destructive. Hurting John hurts him. He finally loses the fight against his tears and they fall silently. "You are already in my heart John, which is why this is so hard. I love you so much that I'm terrified it's going to drive you away, and I just don't know how to deal with it anymore." He pulls away from John and turns to face away from him; he is at a complete loss.

John doesn't turn Sherlock towards him. He instead chooses to wrap his arms around the detective and rest his cheek against his back his own tears falling now. Sherlock in a way had said he loves him. Sherlock loves him. He isn't expecting the overwhelming wave of emotions that come with that simple statement and he just clutches to Sherlock unable to speak for the moment. There are a million things he wants to say, wants to do but he just can't quite voice or act on them. He squeezes Sherlock's waist reassuringly, when he gets his emotions back under control he will speak again.

Sherlock just stands still and lets John hold him, until he feels the back of his shirt begin to dampen. John is crying, _he's_ made John cry. He gently pulls John's arms away and turns around. Seeing John in such a vulnerable state makes something inside him clench. He wraps his arms around John's waist and holds him as close as physically possible. "You see John? Don't cry, please, just don't. You see, I've made you cry." He is whispering, this is precisely why he needs to leave, because he can't bear the thought of being the one that makes John cry.

"You haven't made me cry. The thought of you leaving _THAT_ makes me cry. You can't leave, Sherlock you just can't. I was so alone and I owe you SO much. You have made me such a better person than I was after I came home and I know I've made you a better person I just know it. Could you really bear being what you were before we knew each other?" John takes a steadying breath as Sherlock holds him close, he wants to be strong but this man, this bloody infuriating, flawed human being is making him lose all control. "I certainly don't want to."

Everything that John is saying is true; he doesn't want to be the man he'd been before. "You have made me a better person John, and I don't want to go back to the way I was before. You made my life... well you made it a life John. Before you it was all about the work, it wasn't living, not really. I'm just scared John." He finally opens up and says exactly what he is feeling. "I'm scared that one day you're going to wake up and realise what a terrible mistake you've made. You'll see me as the freak that everyone else thinks I am and you'll leave me. And honestly John that thought terrifies me, I can't bear the thought of losing you, it would kill me."

John grips the back of Sherlock's neck and brings his head down so their foreheads are touching "It's ok to be scared Sherlock it really is. I haven't made a mistake so you can delete that one from your mind palace right now! I will never think you are a freak because the intelligence, the deductions are YOU. They are what make you so unique and if other people can't appreciate that then fuck them! I see you for what you are Sherlock Holmes and that is a wonderful, flawed individual and I will NEVER EVER see you as anything else." He pauses then, for emphasis or what he isn't sure, but he will damn well make sure Sherlock knows just how serious he is being "I. Will. Never. Leave. You."

And Sherlock believes him. He can hear it in John's voice, he is being deadly serious. He looks deep into John's eyes, not really knowing what to say. "John I..." nope, there is nothing, no words. He takes a deep breath, calms his mind and tries again. "You're..." once again there is nothing."Dammit! I can't find the words John, there aren't any, not a single bloody word to describe how much you mean to me. I'd say I love you, but it's just not enough. It's more than that John, so much more." He sounds agitated, he's always been able to find the right words, his vocabulary is widely expansive, but he is honestly struggling. He tries to put it a different way. "I _need_ you John, more than I need oxygen or food or water. I can't function properly without you by my side. When you're not here it's like... it's like I'm just waiting for you to come back so I can start living again. Everything seems dull if you're not here. And there aren't any words good enough to say how I feel about you. 'Love' just isn't good enough." He sighs.

John gawks. He actually gawks at Sherlock for a good twenty seconds unable to comprehend the fact that Sherlock Holmes. _HIS_ Sherlock Holmes is unable to find the words to express himself. Normally he has no trouble expressing himself but the fact that it is because of how he feels about John stuns him into silence. He moves his hands now so he is cupping Sherlock's face, and kisses him sweetly. "I owe you my life and love isn't good enough to describe precisely what you are and what you mean to me. I'm sorry I'm not as eloquent as you are but I love you, plain and simple and that is the truth of it"

"There is no need for eloquence John. I love you too, and just hearing you say those words makes me so inexplicably happy." He gives his first smile since the crime scene, a soft genuine smile that he reserves only for John. He hugs John close and kisses the top of his head. "I never thought I'd hear those words and I will never tire of hearing them now that I have" he whispers.


End file.
